I was well into my late twenties before I learned that 50% of people on this pale blue dot do not have an “inner voice” going on in their heads.
This blew my mind — I can’t comprehend what it would be like to not have this inner monolog constantly going on in the background. When it comes to my inner voice that bitch always has something to say, or some clever retort not safe for work, or some random factoid I learned in 2nd grade about the life cycle of a lady bug, and what do Ladybugs have to do with what I’m doing at the moment, absolutely nothing –– It’s just an interesting fact.
I’ve always had this ability for as long as I can remember, so to be without it, It completely baffles me how people exist. How do you form thoughts if you don’t have an inner voice to do it, like is it just a bunch of emotional clouds looking for words — it baffles me.
I think some of my most profound conversations I’ve ever had were the internal ones with this part of my brain.
I’m also a musician so I think in melody, but sometimes the occasional melody, chorus or jingle will get stuck on repeat and drive me absolutely crazy, especially at night. A few weeks ago I was violently attacked by the 80’s TV Theme song from the Love Boat.
It’s weird how our brains enjoy torturing us that way… at 3am, without my consent. It took a lot of therapy for me to learn however that I am not this inner voice –– it really becomes hard when depression takes control and that voice turns on you.
One thing I really have found helpful with treatments like medical cannabis, psilocybin, Ayahuasca and other psychoactive plant medicine, is that it allows one to become more aware of all of the programing and subroutines constantly going on in the background in our heads.
Computers really are a great metaphor because our brains are basically a biologically self aware computer.
We all know what happens to our computers if we don’t keep up on all the programing and plugins working in the background, especially when something malicious gets into the system, it can max out the CPU, exhaust the memory and even cause the entire system to have a nervous breakdown. How many of us take the time to take inventory on all the “programing” we’ve picked up all throughout our lives, and done the work of clearing or deleting old ideas or limiting beliefs that no longer serves you. We’re like sponges absorbing all these bits of information and data from the moment we’re born until death.
We’re constantly trying to fit in among one another, be a part of something bigger than ourselves, we assimilate –– Resistance is Futile, it's part of our constantly evolving social structures.
Along the way — we are continuously taking on new directives, ethos, mission statements, whether its from a church, or political affiliations, our Jobs, social clubs, no matter what it is each of these groups have their own set of beliefs and missions that we take on ourselves to fit in, and we carry on in our lives without giving it much thought.
So how does one go about clearing out all that nonsense that no longer serves us.
Therapy.
But I’ll be honest, finding a good therapist was hard enough before COVID, and now that we’re in the beginning of a mental health crisis where everyone’s gone done and lost their minds cus of this COVID.
My therapist at the VA retired when the world ended in 2020, and the thought of having to go through that process of finding someone I can trust, exhausts me. It took almost 4 years to find the right VA therapist the last time. I haven't given up though, I’m still working on that one though.
I’ve said this before a thousand times, and I’ll say it again a thousand more — Medical Cannabis saved my life, and has been the best thing for my mental overall health… but Weed alone isn’t the entire solution, it’s part of it. Cannabis infused mindfulness meditation has been really helpful for me, especially through the pandemic. Getting into the right mindset, I’d pop a couple 40mg THC/10mg CBD Hygge Chews to help get me in the mood. Today I took the Watermelon Lemon ones, the flavor was OK, they taste a bit more medicinal than the Pineapple ones that I love so much from the same company. They’d be perfect if they had a sugary/sour coating, one could only hope our overlords in this state of Utah would allow such bougie extravagance. 🙄 Before I’d begin, I’d also use my vaporizer to blow a bag. I loaded up some Blue Bubba which is a Hybrid Indica dominate strain which is great for Anxiety and Pain. Blue Bubba has a distinct fruity flavor, and it has hints of bubble gum which really makes it nice and pleasant experience, especially leading into meditation.
Once I’m able to get grounded and centered I find that I’m able to be less emotionally engaged or attached to the traumatic or triggering thoughts I’m experiencing, and this type of internal therapy helps you reframe the context, and the impact of that emotion or memory.
Pharmaceuticals for PTSD just numb the emotions, and It’s not a long term or sustainable treatment option. One of my favorite Pixar/Disney films recently was Inside Out — and how the entire story is about the importance of using the spectrum of emotional availability to process our reality.
When I was on SSRI’s and Benzos it was like 3/4ths of my emotions were anesthetized, but those rage and anger emotions were dialed up to max. Just thinking about it makes me exhausted.
Plant assisted medicine creates the space to safely open up all the colors of emotion to process those traumas and that’s when healing begins to happen. It’s not immediately fixed, that’s not how trauma works… but for that moment, everything is going to be OK.
It’s about being able to allow yourself to be in the moment now, and not in the past where PTS wants to keep you stuck.
When it comes to that bitch inside your head, you know the one that is always telling you that you can’t, or reminding you of every failure you’ve ever had, that shouts every limiting belief –– that you live each day in defiance of.
One way that has really helped me reprogram that voice is by using my own voice to record a guided meditation, that really tricks it up.
It’s important to point out that this type of therapy is thanks in part to the psychoactive part of the medicine which is so often villainized by the state of Utah. If they could they’d try to find a way to isolate every part of the medical cannabis plant and eradicate any bit that helps elevate your consciousness… I think that is the biggest thing scaring the powers that be, Cannabis elevates the users consciousness and proverbially pulls back the curtain and lets people see the levers of manipulation and control –– and when it comes to the state of Utah and it’s Church, it gets the world record for amount of leavers and methods of manipulation that it takes to keep this facade of a house of cards standing.
Even beyond the corrupted yet beautiful borders of Utah, the War on Drugs and in particular the criminalization of the use of cannabis and mushrooms and DMT, it’s been a war on consciousness, and a leaver of control and manipulation for generations.
Hopefully the MORE Act will get some movement in the U.S Senate, that will help undo a lot of that drug war nonsense.
I’m the Pot Head Veteran, please subscribe, visit my website potheadveteran.com and like always, from my heart to yours –– Smoke Long and Prosper
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